If anyone actually read this thing (my sister excluded), they might have noticed a bit of a lack in the posting department. Never fear gentle readers, I am not dead, rather I was merely living in a a
budgetarily enforced state of transiency. Yes friends, like such luminaries as
Matt Foley I lived in a van down by the river.
Now I am kind of a big dude. To help give you some perspective here are but a few examples of the nicknames I have been given over the years, Jolly Green Giant, Grimace, Grape Ape, Frost Giant, Hill Giant, Goliath, Hercules, Muscles. Perhaps you sense a theme here? This is important, because it means that trying to cram my 6"6' body into the back of a passenger van was distinctly uncomfortable. It also made subtlety a bit of a challenge since tinted windows of no I was pretty visible if I slept on the seats (sleeping in a car pretty much anywhere means you are loitering, if not out and out trespassing) which means knocks on the window in the dead of night from the 5-0 and demands that you move with variable degrees of politeness.
To combat this, I would cram myself onto the floor between the two sets of back seats, making myself as unobtrusive as possible. Now, I don't know if you have ever ever tried to sleep with your kneecaps lodged firmly in your ribcage, whilst a deep sense of paranoia gnaws at your guts every time you can see headlights through the windows "Oh crap! The fuzz!" I'd exclaim, and in trying to make myself smaller, I'd usually get my shoulder caught underneath the seat and flail about pathetically like a fish out of water. It was precisely as comfortable as you might imagine. Additionally, It gets really hot in the van at night one night I awoke from a burning pain in my distended knee, absolutely convinced that a family of South African Devil ants had taken up residence and were gnawing away. Whereupon I lifted my head to let out a girlish scream and tried to massage life back into my twisted extremities. When I laid my head back down, my pillow actually squelched like a sponge because it was so saturated in sweat. That is the degree of heat we are talking. I slipped back into a fitful sleep and dreamed that the Lady of the Lake was rising out my pillow and bestowing Excalibur upon the ants in my knee.
I kept this up for a couple of weeks, before finally accepting the constant offers of aid from some friends of mine, so I once again have lodgings (with all the internet access that entails),because like the noble leech before me, I have mastered the art of subsisting on the life blood of others... yay?
Now I am kind of a big dude. To help give you some perspective here are but a few examples of the nicknames I have been given over the years, Jolly Green Giant, Grimace, Grape Ape, Frost Giant, Hill Giant, Goliath, Hercules, Muscles. Perhaps you sense a theme here? This is important, because it means that trying to cram my 6"6' body into the back of a passenger van was distinctly uncomfortable. It also made subtlety a bit of a challenge since tinted windows of no I was pretty visible if I slept on the seats (sleeping in a car pretty much anywhere means you are loitering, if not out and out trespassing) which means knocks on the window in the dead of night from the 5-0 and demands that you move with variable degrees of politeness.
To combat this, I would cram myself onto the floor between the two sets of back seats, making myself as unobtrusive as possible. Now, I don't know if you have ever ever tried to sleep with your kneecaps lodged firmly in your ribcage, whilst a deep sense of paranoia gnaws at your guts every time you can see headlights through the windows "Oh crap! The fuzz!" I'd exclaim, and in trying to make myself smaller, I'd usually get my shoulder caught underneath the seat and flail about pathetically like a fish out of water. It was precisely as comfortable as you might imagine. Additionally, It gets really hot in the van at night one night I awoke from a burning pain in my distended knee, absolutely convinced that a family of South African Devil ants had taken up residence and were gnawing away. Whereupon I lifted my head to let out a girlish scream and tried to massage life back into my twisted extremities. When I laid my head back down, my pillow actually squelched like a sponge because it was so saturated in sweat. That is the degree of heat we are talking. I slipped back into a fitful sleep and dreamed that the Lady of the Lake was rising out my pillow and bestowing Excalibur upon the ants in my knee.
I kept this up for a couple of weeks, before finally accepting the constant offers of aid from some friends of mine, so I once again have lodgings (with all the internet access that entails),because like the noble leech before me, I have mastered the art of subsisting on the life blood of others... yay?
I'm excluded?!?! How did this come to be? What an ass!
ReplyDeleteNow now, you are only excluded only by virtue of inclusion. You are a member of an elite team of readers of my blog consisting of 1) You, and 2) Possibly people looking over your shoulder. You should feel proud to be a part of such an elite group, for I am proud to have you here.
ReplyDelete