The Twilight Showdown, or Rehash

To help make up for the lack of recent activity, I bring you a classic post from an old, now defunct blog I had. Perhaps this will compel me to actually watch the rest of the Twilight saga... if only to reaffirm that either I don't know a good movie when it gnaws on my face, or, no one else does.

So, I finally got around to watching the movie Twilight, mostly because I picked up a used copy for a friend and figured, you know, since it's lying around watchin' it probably wouldn't kill me. And it didn't kill me... physically. But on the inside... yeah. I died a little. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't a terrible movie per se. In fact the baseball scene is quite possibly the most charming thing I've seen on celluloid in some time. I'm sure most folks have already seen this thing since from what I hear Robert Pattinson is now moistening the panties of girls of all ages (Which I find baffling, being as his eyebrows, you know the ones, the ones that give him his patented dark'n'broody™ look, also leave the impression that two ink dipped caterpillars are locked in a constant bloody war for control of his face). So rather than touch on any specific plot points or concessions that perturbed me, allow me instead to present a short dramatic scene that we can reasonably extrapolate might take place in the Twilight universe

Dramatis Personae
Some Chick (SC)
Joe Vampire (JV)
Quileute Passerby (QP)
We join our heroes mid conversation as Some Chick tries to convince Joe Vampire to 'Turn' her to the Vampiric state of being

SC: Please! I only want the same chance at eternity that you do!
JV: No! Never! You don't understand what you're asking... You could never understand...
SC: But I do my love, I know I'll be cursed to subsist on human blood and descend into monstrosity!
JV: ...Well, that's not entirely true, I mean, my family mostly just runs around being extra nice to people... Oh! but we only eat animals... and it is, you know, kinda hard. like being a vegetarian... of which there are hundreds of thousands...but you know *ahem* hard
SC: Oh... well I understand that the weight of centuries will surely leave me with a crushing sense of ennui
JV: ...Not necessarily, I mean my family and I mostly play baseball and dance...but we have to move alot... so that's uh... kinda unfortunate... I guess
SC: But surely I'll lead a horrific existence, unable to ever again see the light of the sun, lest it burn my undead form to cinders right?
JV: Ha ha ha, no. The sun won't destroy you, but it will make you sort of like um... exude glitter and rainbows so yeah, that's... ah... that's kinda inconvenient.
SC: So... wait, you get to live essentially forever, Have crazy superpowers, AND psychic powers of various stripes, and the biggest drawback is... You glitter? And, that is the life you dare not share with me...
JV: You... you just don't understand the true nature of my curse *brood* *pout*
SC: ... Right...
At this point Some Chick grabs a conveniently placed golf club and swings it at Joe Vampire's head causing severe cranial trauma
SC: Jerk!
As Joe Vampire drops to the floor a Quileute tribesman passing by in the background turns to the audience and speaks
QP: Wow! Now that's what I call cracking open a Cold One!
All laugh. Actors take their bow and exit stage left

So, yeah... Lots of liberties taken with the vampire mythos which kinda kills the whole Gothic Romance vibe. On the plus side Ashley Greene is rather hawt.

And now, Bonus content! Robert Pattinson Fan-Art!!