The Expendables or I Brought You My Bullets You Brought Me Your Love

This is a review of the Expendables. Spoiler level Mild to Medium
So, I went to a pre-screening of 'The Expendables' tonight. It was better than I expected... If it took itself a bit less seriously it might have been legitimately good. As it is, my impressions are
1)Charisma Carpenter... Still hot.
2)Dolph Lundgren... Surprisingly good.
3)Jet Li... You're short... yeah, we get it.
4)Sylvester Stallone... For a director he makes a pretty good action hero.
5)Mickey Rourke...
Actually if I may break the list format for a moment, Mickey Rourke gave an emotional and nuanced performance, unsurprisingly because that is is shtick these days, but... see point 4. Stallone's directing was kind of... not good. Examples of this phenomenon are amply available, indeed one need look no further than the first scene with its artificially shaky camera, and constant quick cuts which look like they were made by an spastic ADD riddled 6 year old who is also, in all probability, blind. My quibble here though, is something much more serious. When Rourke was was launching into his emotional monologue about the dehumanization inherent in the murder for hire business and his regrets for not reaching out to protect one life he could have saved blah blah blah. The monologue was cliche, but exceptionally well delivered, the way his eyes moved, the pauses the light stammers, it gave a real sense of reality, it felt like he was genuinely dredging up some painful memories and it was hard. It was the kind of moment that could make you forget you are watching a movie, except... as soon as he starts his speech they drop the goddamn blue filter over the film so the audience realizes that this scene is Serious Business, and it is Sad Panda Time. Can we just do away with the blue filter please? Instead, try this, make a movie with a cohesive plot, and have your characters react to the world around them in realistic ways, and thereby learn and grow from their experiences, thereby eliminating the need for A CHEESY BLUE FILTER TO INDICATE SOMETHING SAD IS HAPPENING ARRRGHGHGHGLSKDAUSGFBAQIU.... Sorry, had a bit of a rage seizure there.
6)The plot... predictable. Example, said by the feisty Latin American... sorry I meant Vilenan, girl 'Rargh... The Generalissimo is bad!' and 'My Mother is dead , my Father is... ...gone' could those two facts be related?
7)The Expendables... a stupid name for this film!
I mean seriously, you call your film The Expendables,and it creates certain expectations, to whit, a group sent into an unwinnable situation where heavy losses are inevitable, because you know, Expendable? It's right therein the title. So how come not a one of The Expendables is killed?
It did have several creative means of dispatching generic Latin Americans... sorry I meant Vilenans(Vilena? Really? That seemed like a good country name to you?).
Long story short if you turn off the old brain meats for a spell and look at the splosions and bullets, it isn't a terrible way to kill some time. I can't in good conscience recommend seeing it in theaters, but a redbox rental probably wouldn't hurt.
All in all I'd give it 2.3 Splosions (Out of 5)