Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World or, I've Liked You For A Thousand Years (AThousand Years)

This is a review of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Spoiler level Mild to Medium

It makes me tremendously sad that yesterday, the pre-screening of The Expendables was so packed they had to turn people away, and Scott Pilgrim didn't even fill a theater. Now, it should be noted that objectivity is not something I bring to the table with this movie. People like me were very much who this film was made for. Put simply, I came. It was damn near perfect. The visual style is spot on. I have officially gone from being generally approving of Edgar Wright to being reasonably certain he is an infallible God. It is unique for an action movie in that very action scene felt completely distinct. Bollywood musicals, Saiyan style superpowers, literal battles of the bands. Distinct. Fun. It is densely packed with video game references, scenester references, hipster references. Speaking of scenesters and hipsters, the soundtrack was delightful for an indie music nerd such as myself, and it meshes well with the film. When 'Anthems For A Seventeen Year Old Girl' came on it gave me chills. The main quibble I have is with the ending. It should come as no surprise to anyone that the movie and the comic differ in some significant ways, being as the movie was essentially done by the time the last book hit stores.
*Spoilers AHOY*
The book ends in a manner where it feels reasonably natural that Scott and Ramona would end up together the final battle demands active participation from Ramona in the process and they both learn the lessons they need to.
The movies final battle plays out in such a way that it feels like the only satisfying conclusion is for Scott to return to Knives Chau. He doesn't.
*End Spoilers*
My other problem is with casting. Nearly everyone involved was absolutely spot on, embodying the characters as I imagined to an uncanny degree. Everyone except Michael Cera which is unfortunate, because he was a pretty key piece of casting. Scott Pilgrim was frankly kind of a douche as presented in the books and Michael Cera is a bit too much of a nebbish to pull off the appropriate level of douchebaggery (And yes I have seen Youth in Revolt, a.k.a. I'm Gonna Drug You Till You Love Me, and no I don't think he pulled it off there either). Ah well, as they say 'Que Cera Cera, Whatever will be George Michael will be George Michael.'
I apologise for the lack of humor,my affection for the movie is just too damn high. It's power level is clearly over 9000, so I give Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
>9000 Plumtrees (Out of 5)

The Expendables or I Brought You My Bullets You Brought Me Your Love

This is a review of the Expendables. Spoiler level Mild to Medium
So, I went to a pre-screening of 'The Expendables' tonight. It was better than I expected... If it took itself a bit less seriously it might have been legitimately good. As it is, my impressions are
1)Charisma Carpenter... Still hot.
2)Dolph Lundgren... Surprisingly good.
3)Jet Li... You're short... yeah, we get it.
4)Sylvester Stallone... For a director he makes a pretty good action hero.
5)Mickey Rourke...
Actually if I may break the list format for a moment, Mickey Rourke gave an emotional and nuanced performance, unsurprisingly because that is is shtick these days, but... see point 4. Stallone's directing was kind of... not good. Examples of this phenomenon are amply available, indeed one need look no further than the first scene with its artificially shaky camera, and constant quick cuts which look like they were made by an spastic ADD riddled 6 year old who is also, in all probability, blind. My quibble here though, is something much more serious. When Rourke was was launching into his emotional monologue about the dehumanization inherent in the murder for hire business and his regrets for not reaching out to protect one life he could have saved blah blah blah. The monologue was cliche, but exceptionally well delivered, the way his eyes moved, the pauses the light stammers, it gave a real sense of reality, it felt like he was genuinely dredging up some painful memories and it was hard. It was the kind of moment that could make you forget you are watching a movie, except... as soon as he starts his speech they drop the goddamn blue filter over the film so the audience realizes that this scene is Serious Business, and it is Sad Panda Time. Can we just do away with the blue filter please? Instead, try this, make a movie with a cohesive plot, and have your characters react to the world around them in realistic ways, and thereby learn and grow from their experiences, thereby eliminating the need for A CHEESY BLUE FILTER TO INDICATE SOMETHING SAD IS HAPPENING ARRRGHGHGHGLSKDAUSGFBAQIU.... Sorry, had a bit of a rage seizure there.
6)The plot... predictable. Example, said by the feisty Latin American... sorry I meant Vilenan, girl 'Rargh... The Generalissimo is bad!' and 'My Mother is dead , my Father is... ...gone' could those two facts be related?
7)The Expendables... a stupid name for this film!
I mean seriously, you call your film The Expendables,and it creates certain expectations, to whit, a group sent into an unwinnable situation where heavy losses are inevitable, because you know, Expendable? It's right therein the title. So how come not a one of The Expendables is killed?
It did have several creative means of dispatching generic Latin Americans... sorry I meant Vilenans(Vilena? Really? That seemed like a good country name to you?).
Long story short if you turn off the old brain meats for a spell and look at the splosions and bullets, it isn't a terrible way to kill some time. I can't in good conscience recommend seeing it in theaters, but a redbox rental probably wouldn't hurt.
All in all I'd give it 2.3 Splosions (Out of 5)

The Twilight Showdown, or Rehash

To help make up for the lack of recent activity, I bring you a classic post from an old, now defunct blog I had. Perhaps this will compel me to actually watch the rest of the Twilight saga... if only to reaffirm that either I don't know a good movie when it gnaws on my face, or, no one else does.

So, I finally got around to watching the movie Twilight, mostly because I picked up a used copy for a friend and figured, you know, since it's lying around watchin' it probably wouldn't kill me. And it didn't kill me... physically. But on the inside... yeah. I died a little. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't a terrible movie per se. In fact the baseball scene is quite possibly the most charming thing I've seen on celluloid in some time. I'm sure most folks have already seen this thing since from what I hear Robert Pattinson is now moistening the panties of girls of all ages (Which I find baffling, being as his eyebrows, you know the ones, the ones that give him his patented dark'n'broody™ look, also leave the impression that two ink dipped caterpillars are locked in a constant bloody war for control of his face). So rather than touch on any specific plot points or concessions that perturbed me, allow me instead to present a short dramatic scene that we can reasonably extrapolate might take place in the Twilight universe

Dramatis Personae
Some Chick (SC)
Joe Vampire (JV)
Quileute Passerby (QP)
We join our heroes mid conversation as Some Chick tries to convince Joe Vampire to 'Turn' her to the Vampiric state of being

SC: Please! I only want the same chance at eternity that you do!
JV: No! Never! You don't understand what you're asking... You could never understand...
SC: But I do my love, I know I'll be cursed to subsist on human blood and descend into monstrosity!
JV: ...Well, that's not entirely true, I mean, my family mostly just runs around being extra nice to people... Oh! but we only eat animals... and it is, you know, kinda hard. like being a vegetarian... of which there are hundreds of thousands...but you know *ahem* hard
SC: Oh... well I understand that the weight of centuries will surely leave me with a crushing sense of ennui
JV: ...Not necessarily, I mean my family and I mostly play baseball and dance...but we have to move alot... so that's uh... kinda unfortunate... I guess
SC: But surely I'll lead a horrific existence, unable to ever again see the light of the sun, lest it burn my undead form to cinders right?
JV: Ha ha ha, no. The sun won't destroy you, but it will make you sort of like um... exude glitter and rainbows so yeah, that's... ah... that's kinda inconvenient.
SC: So... wait, you get to live essentially forever, Have crazy superpowers, AND psychic powers of various stripes, and the biggest drawback is... You glitter? And, that is the life you dare not share with me...
JV: You... you just don't understand the true nature of my curse *brood* *pout*
SC: ... Right...
At this point Some Chick grabs a conveniently placed golf club and swings it at Joe Vampire's head causing severe cranial trauma
SC: Jerk!
As Joe Vampire drops to the floor a Quileute tribesman passing by in the background turns to the audience and speaks
QP: Wow! Now that's what I call cracking open a Cold One!
All laugh. Actors take their bow and exit stage left

So, yeah... Lots of liberties taken with the vampire mythos which kinda kills the whole Gothic Romance vibe. On the plus side Ashley Greene is rather hawt.

And now, Bonus content! Robert Pattinson Fan-Art!!